Last Resort
by Aya1
Summary: Duo is an outcast in a clique filled high school. (Dark, Death, AU, YAOI, 1x2)


Warnings: AU, Duo's POV, Angst, Self-inflicted pain, lime, ranting, weirdness, and death. This   
is not a happy Duo fic. Most of the other characters are slightly bastardized.  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai and all those other great people. The   
song 'Last Resort' belongs to Papa Roach. Don't sue me. I have nothing.   
  
  
Last Resort  
By Aya  
  
  
Cut my life into pieces   
This is my last resort   
Suffocation   
No breathing   
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding  
  
This is my last resort   
  
  
  
It's times like these that I wonder where the phrase 'broken home' came from. I mean first of   
all it's a damn stupid phrase and second.. What would be considered a fixed home? Those damn   
people on that crappy show 7th Heaven who always have the latest drama solved before the episode   
is over and are so fucking cute that it makes me physically ill? Or maybe 'normal' families are   
the ones with two loving parents, an older brother, twin blonde daughters and a dog named Spot.   
I mean who considers that normal anyway? If my family was that perfect I would want to puke. But   
I suppose anything is better than what I have now. Yep I guess where I live would qualify as a   
'broken home'. Don't get me wrong I do live with both parents and we have a fairly decent   
looking house - but what goes on inside of it is far from normal. Not an hour goes by without   
the sounds of screaming shouting and things breaking. It's so routine now that I find it normal.   
It would be weird if my parents were actually getting along. How sad is that? Oh yeah and I'm   
gay too. That alone would probably kill the idea of my family being normal. Or that's what most   
people think anyway.   
  
"You lazy son of a bitch! I hate you and I wish you would just die of whatever diseases you have!"   
  
That's my mom. Ain't she sweet?  
  
"Fuck you bitch! I don't know why I ever got involved with you anyway."  
  
That's dad. Isn't he just the epitome of a loving family man?  
  
I rolled over in bed shoving my head under my ratty old pillow, not really caring that my too   
long hair was getting all tangled and snarled in the process. I just wanted to block out the   
fighting for one fucking night. Is that too much to ask? I suppose I could try to study for   
tomorrow's Chemistry exam but with all that racket it wasn't very likely that I would be able to   
concentrate. But what else is new? It's not like my teachers expected me to do well anyway. If I   
actually passed the test they would probably accuse me of cheating. But then again everyone   
always expected the worse from me. Duo Maxwell the loser fuck up. That's what everyone calls me   
so I might as well keep up with the title.  
  
Suddenly the yelling downstairs got particularly loud and I jumped up in exasperation. I could   
not stay in this house one minute fucking longer. I quickly tied my hair back with a rubber band,   
knowing that it would be a bitch to get out later but not really caring - and hopped out of the   
window with long practiced grace. I caught the low hanging branch from the big oak tree that   
stood just outside my room and shimmied down. It was already dark out even though it was just   
five o'clock, and it was really cold for late autumn. "Shoulda brought a jacket." I muttered to   
myself, shoving my hands into the pockets of my worn ragged jeans.   
  
I paused for a moment just outside of my house and tugged a box of Newports out my back pocket.   
I lit one and puffed contentedly for a moment before continuing on my walk. This town was just   
another crappy suburb, with a good side and a bad side. Of course mine was the 'bad side' even   
though there was hardly any crime and I walked the streets late at night without ever being   
mugged. I guess since the houses aren't lined with picket fences and there wasn't a Beamer in   
every garage it's bad, I mused silently.   
  
Before long I was passing the border that separated good from bad and I was in the popular kid's   
neck of the woods. Every time I came here it was the same thing. The high and mighty rich folks   
gave me dirty looks and told me I didn't belong.. Then I would stick out my tongue and prove how   
much of a brat I could be. I don't know why, but causing trouble was just too much fun to resist.   
Especially around people who crossed the street in fear every time they saw me coming down the   
block.  
  
I spotted a nearby convenience store and smirked to myself as I headed towards it. Just as I   
reached the curb I spotted a familiar red Porsche and I grimaced. It was the 'popular' kids from   
school. As I passed quickly I could make out Relena Peacecraft sitting primly in the front seat;   
Heero Yuy in the driver's seat and Chang Wufei and Trowa Barton in the back with Dorothy   
Catalonia squeezed in the middle. Yup those were the rich popular beautiful people.. Who thought   
they were better then anyone else and basically treated me as if I was a lower life form. I   
ignored the snickers and smart comments that were aimed at my back and loped uncaringly into the   
store.  
  
It was times like these that made me wonder about the fairness of this town's barrier of good   
and bad. See in my neighborhood corner stores have the Plexiglas divider over the counter, racks   
of stale donuts and chips and cases full of Old English and various other kinds of beer. They   
also made the deli sandwiches that cost three bucks but you can never really tell what the   
'turkey' is made out of. Here in rich people's land you got the rows of food, assorted juices,   
clean well lighted isles and even a flat screen computer monitor at the front counter that   
announced the daily weather and news. Talk about unfair.  
  
I made my way to the back, ignoring the store owner's suspicious looks and began looking around   
trying to decide what I should try to steal. The way this guy was watching me like a hawk it   
didn't look like I would be getting any munchies tonight.  
  
"Hey there's no smoking in here!" The man snapped at me angrily.   
  
I snorted and took a nice long drag out my cig, blowing the smoke in his general direction   
before putting it out on the bottom of a can of Ravioli. "Better?" I asked nastily.  
  
He glared disdainfully. "Are you buying something or what?"  
  
I raised a brow before grabbing up a few packages of Ramen Noodles, some Doritos and a large 36   
oz. Mistic. I smirked and dumped the items unceremoniously onto the counter. "Plastic please." I   
said sweetly, already planning to make a run for it as soon as I had my hands on the bag.   
  
He rung up the items and bagged them, all the while eyeing me warily. He seemed to have sensed   
my plan because he smirked and stared at me expectantly, keeping the bag of goodies out of reach.   
"$3.75." He said shortly.  
  
Damn. He knew my game. Four bucks wasn't exactly a lot of money but I was flat assed broke. "Can   
I get my stuff?" I demanded digging around in pocket, pretending to be searching for money.  
  
"Pay first."  
  
I glared at him. "Hey what are you trying to pull man? I got the cash - just chill the fuck out   
and gimme my stuff."   
  
He leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. "You were going to steal it weren't you, you little   
thief."  
  
I widened my eyes and did my best to look insulted. "Hey screw you man! I don't have to take this   
stuff from you! You just lost yourself a good customer with these lousy accusations." I huffed   
indignantly.   
  
The older man snorted and adjusted his Hawaiian print shirt. "If you're such a good customer   
where the hell is the money?"  
  
I opened my mouth to retort but a deep voice cut me off. "It's alright Howard, I got it."  
  
I spun around and glared at the intruder. Great just great. Heero Yuy the perfect jock to the   
rescue. I tried my best to glare him down but he just stared back coolly as he handed 'Howard'   
the money. "I can pay myself." I snapped irritably, glaring harder when he snorted skeptically.   
I snatched my food, not bothering to thank him and started out of the store. The last thing I   
needed was pity from that guy. He was one of those perfect people who makes me gag. Gorgeous face,   
built like a god, straight As and the captain of the basketball team. Ugh.. The only thing good   
about him was his tight round ass.   
  
Before I could get out of the store, he grabbed my elbow and raised an eyebrow expectantly.   
"What do you want me to say thank you or something?" I asked with a glare.  
  
Heero made a face and crossed his arms over his chest. "A thank you would be nice, yes."  
  
I scoffed and started to walk again. "Forget it buddy, I didn't ask you to come to my rescue and   
even if I did, I'll just consider it Asshole tax(1) for all the times you and your little cronies   
made me feel like scum." I snapped.   
  
His blue eyes flickered guiltily and he looked down. "I know my friends are kind of unbearable   
at times, and that's why I wanted to help you out."  
  
"Oh please. As if a four bucks could really make up for anything. Why don't you just take your   
charity and use it on someone who would give you the time of day. Why are you even talking to me?   
Aren't you afraid Relena and them will think you will contract white trash cooties?" I lit   
another cigarette and glared down the street - refusing to look into his beautiful eyes.   
  
"You shouldn't smoke; it's bad for you." Heero scolded.  
  
I gave him a dirty look and started walking away from him yet again. I was being a brat and I   
knew it. The guy had helped me out and instead of being grateful I was throwing it right back in   
his face. But you know what.. fuck it. I have a chip on my shoulder the size of Mt. Fuji and   
I'll piss off whoever gets in my way. Currently he was.   
  
"Your name is Duo right? Aren't you a junior?"   
  
I stopped walking and turned around slowly. He knew my name? He knew my grade? Wow.. Heero Yuy   
knew who I was. In some strange demented way I was flattered. Flattered that the great Heero Yuy   
had taken time out of busy basketball playing schedule to remember my name. I felt the ice   
barriers that I normally kept myself surrounded in dissolve and I started to speak when she   
ruined it all.  
  
The bitch from hell.  
  
Relena Peacecraft is that one vain snotty cheerleader that always plagues movies and shows with   
their plastic prettiness and cruel words. She always seems to go out of her way to make me feel   
like nothing. I hate that bitch with a passion and right now she just reminded me of why I am so   
bitter.  
  
"Why are you talking to that gutter trash Hee~eero? Eww get away I can smell his stench from   
here!"  
  
Her words were followed by a peel of laughter coming from everyone in the Porsche, laughing at   
my expense. I was too angry to see the furious look Heero cast at the blonde girl.  
  
My cheeks burned in shame and I felt bile start to rise in my throat. But as usual I hid my   
humiliation and hurt behind a nasty grin and my quick wits covered for me once again. "The only   
stench I smell is fish. Maybe you should close your legs Relena." I shot Heero a venomous look   
and left the cheerleader spluttering for a come back and failing miserably.   
  
I practically ran home, silently cursing myself for almost falling into one of their little   
traps. Being nice to me and then making me feel like a fool. It wasn't the first time they had   
done it and I knew it wouldn't be the last. When I was back safely back home, I had completely   
forgotten about the cigarette that was still dangling between my lips and like the fool I was, I   
just waltzed into the house. By the time I realized it, my mother was coming in the room.  
  
The smack she gave me left my ears ringing. Angry tears welled up in my eyes.   
  
"How dare you smoke in my house!! I know you hate me already Duo Maxwell - but must you   
disrespect me too?" She screamed in my face, smacking me again, this time with the hand her   
rather large engagement ring was on. I felt the diamond dig into the skin under my eye - blood   
trickled down my cheek.   
  
"I'm sorry mother." I muttered softly, urging the tears to go away.  
  
"I have to do everything in this house! Everything! I work while your bastard father sits around   
and does nothing! I pay the bills! I cook and slave for you people and all I get is hatred and   
disrespect. I should just leave both of you! You're a fucking mistake anyway! You should have   
never been born! It's your fault I'm stuck here with that man! Your fault!" She screamed   
hysterically.   
  
I stared in shock, hurt beyond belief. I hate the fact that the tears just keep coming and I hate   
it even more that I am affected by her words. I knew for a long time that my parents didn't love   
me.. It was painfully obvious that they think I'm some kind of burden to them. But even though I   
always knew it deep down in my heart, it hurt like hell to actually hear her say it out loud.   
  
My father came in the room, probably glad that she was yelling at someone else besides him for a   
change and fixed his cold violet gaze on me. "Oh god." He scoffed. "Are you *crying*? What did I  
ever do to deserve a little pansy like you for a son?"  
  
For some reason it seemed as though no matter what my mother said to me, I couldn't bring myself   
to hate her or yell back at her. It was different with my father. I had no respect for the man,   
he was a loser. What kind of self-respecting man sat around on their ass all day and waits for   
their wife to bring home the money? A poor excuse for one.. That's what kind.  
  
"Fuck you asshole." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and next thing I knew   
his powerful fist was crashing into my face. I fell backwards, knocking over a table in the   
process.   
  
"You don't talk to me like that in *my* house." He bellowed.  
  
"Oh shove it. There wouldn't even be a house if ma wasn't workin. You can tell me something about   
respecting you after you do something that deserves respect." I spat hatefully, ignoring the   
blood that was gushing out of my lower lip.   
  
He stared at me furiously, seeming to be at a loss for words. My mother cast him a scathing look   
before fixing her glare on me. "Clean this mess up." She snapped and walked out of the room.   
  
I stood up dazedly, grabbed my bag and ran up the stairs; not wanting either of them to see me   
cry.   
  
  
**  
  
Cut my life into pieces  
I've reached my last resort   
Suffocation   
No breathing   
  
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding   
Do you even care if I die bleeding?   
  
  
  
Some people take drugs or drink themselves into oblivion when they have problems. They say that   
it helps them forget everything even for a little while and during that short time everything is   
ok. I don't do that. I *do* smoke but that's a habit I picked up back in grade school. No.. When   
I feel stressed or depressed or angry I go deep into my private little world of pain. Right now   
I'm sitting on the edge of the tub - one sleeve pulled all the way up.. Dragging my razor blade   
up and down the delicate pale skin. I know some may think it's ridiculous to cut myself in order   
to feel better about all the other fucked up things that are going on in my life; but it's really   
not. It's almost... therapeutic for me. It's hard to explain but.. When I'm cutting myself it's   
like.. The physical pain helps me to forget momentarily about the mental pain.. And by the time   
I stop sawing at my bloody scarred up skin, I feel strangely calm. Don't get me wrong - I'm not   
trying to kill myself. If I wanted to slit my wrists I would have done it already. This is just   
to help me cope. I'm not crazy.. I'm not. My best friend Quatre doesn't understand about my   
little habit. He knows I do it because he forced me to explain the scars. Every time he realizes   
I had done it again, he turns his nose up in disgust.   
  
No one understands.   
  
I pulled the small blade away from my arm and stared with morbid fascination at the bloody,   
ripped up skin. Once again, as usual.. Now I felt that weird calm. I didn't feel the need to   
cry anymore. Everything was ok for now.  
  
I quickly tucked the blade away and bandaged my arm before rolling my sleeve back down. I walked   
back into my room acting as though I hadn't just been hacking myself to pieces as I sprawled at   
my desk; turning on AOL. As I waited for the phone line to connect - I popped open my Mistic and   
opened my Doritos.   
  
"You've got mail!"   
  
A quick scan of the 23 new articles told me that they were all from Weiss Kreuz mailing lists. I   
ignored the fan fics for now and IMd Quatre instead.  
  
[ShinigamiX2: Hey Quat]  
  
I guzzled my Mistic down, and turned winamp up.. Trying to ignore the sounds of a new argument   
floating from downstairs.   
  
[Sand Rock4: hihi ^_^ How is your evening going so far?]  
  
I snort to myself. Quatre is so annoyingly polite.  
  
[ShinigamiX2: The usual. Crappy. You?  
Sand Rock4: Going great for me! But why is yours crappy? Parents? =(  
ShinigamiX2: Yea but that's nothing new. I had a run in with Relena Company.  
Sand Rock4: *rolls eyes* What about them?  
ShinigamiX2: Saw them at the store. Heero was trying to be nice. Was strange.  
Sand Rock4: But that's a good thing right? Maybe he wants to be friends!  
ShinigamiX2: riiight.. He just wanted to make an ass out of me  
Sand Rock4: You are too paranoid Duo. ¬.¬  
ShinigamiX2: Yea well you are too trusting  
Sand Rock4: Hmm.. Well I have to go study for that Chem test. You should too!  
ShinigamiX2: O.o Me? Study? naaah that's ok.  
Sand Rock4: Suit yourself. Good-Night Duo! ^_^  
ShinigamiX2: Later]  
  
  
***  
  
When I fell asleep that night I dreamt of Heero. Actually a more accurate description would be   
that I dreamt of him throwing me over the hood of his Porsche and fucking me clear into next week.  
It was a very nice dream. I woke up with a jerk. Literally. My hand was clasped around my very   
erect penis. I then proceeded to masturbate for about a half-hour, panting and bucking into my   
own hand. See the problem with masturbation is that you're fucking yourself. In my opinion that   
is not a fun thing to do. I mean yea it relieves all that pent up lust from raging teen hormones,   
but screwing someone else is a lot more satisfying.  
  
It didn't seem like I would be screwing anyone for a long time though.  
  
It's not that I'm unattractive. I'm actually very attractive and I get a lot of attention from   
girls. But that is just the problem. I don't want attention from girls. I don't like girls. And   
since it seems as though the entire male population of this town is either very straight or very   
much in the closet, so it doesn't look like I'm getting any action any time soon.  
  
Ah fuck it. I'm going back to sleep.  
  
  
***  
  
Would it be wrong?   
Would it be right?   
If I took my life tonight   
Chances are that I might   
Mutilation outta sight   
And I'm contemplating suicide   
  
  
My school is the embodiment of TV high school clichè. I don't mean the way it looks either,   
because in that way Romefellar High was as normal as you can get. Just a simple brick building   
with plain teal colored brick walls and scuffed floors. The locker rooms were badly lit and the   
bathrooms always stank of piss. Oh yea. Nothing fancy here. However the way everyone had their   
own little click of friends reminded me of that horrid show Popular or that movie 10 Things I   
Hate About You. We have the nerds, the goths, the alternative skater kids, the wiccans, the   
druggies, the jocks, the bullies, the beautiful rich people, and then there was me. I don't fit   
into any of those little circles, which is the reason why I mainly stay alone. Quatre on the   
other hand seems to get along with everyone just fine but he hangs out with me the most. He   
claims to be my best friend but I have the suspicion that if it came down to it.. He would choose   
the popular people who he secretly worshipped over me. Oh yea, Q-Man doesn't think I notice the   
way he looks over at the table the Oh So Perfect ones occupy at lunch with a kind   
of sick shining adoration in his eyes. Yea I notice and it makes me sick.  
  
Anyway so here we are in the cafeteria, sitting alone as usual, while watching all the other   
groups and clicks migrate over to their respective tables. As usual Quatre's eyes are on Relena   
and Company, and I'm just eating my Ravioli silently. See I have come to look forward to Ravioli  
day in school. It is the only thing that the cafeteria workers can not screw up because it comes   
out of a can. It is also the only thing that is edible.   
  
"So let me get this straight Duo, you actually *spoke* to Heero Yuy?" The blond asked excitedly.   
  
I made a face. He made it sound like I had *spoken* to the president. "Yes. Sheesh you don't   
have to act like it's that big a deal."  
  
Quatre bounced in his sit. "Are you kidding me? Heero rarely speaks to anyone! Not even his   
friends! He is very reserved you know. And he actually went out of his way to be nice to you!   
How can you *not* be excited?"   
  
I flicked strands of chestnut bangs out of my eyes and snorted. "Easily. Gawd Quatre they're   
just people. Just jerky cock headed people. You act like they are famous or something. You *so*   
need a hobby that doesn't include watching them. And besides Heero is just like them from what   
I've seen and if he isn't I don't have any reason to think so. It's not like he ever told his   
stupid ass friends to shut up and leave me alone or anything." I muttered around mouthfuls of  
Ravioli and white bread.  
  
"I don't watch them!" He protested, but his eyes wandered back to their table. I suppose Quatre   
could be one of them if he had money like that. He used to be pretty rich, but his father   
squandered half of their money gambling and the other half was taken away by the bank since he   
owed them a lot of money in loans. Quatre wasn't definitely attractive enough to be considered   
one of the beautiful people. I used to have a crush on him back when we first met.. but that's   
all in the past now. He doesn't even know I'm gay.   
  
"Oh my god!! Look look!!" He exclaimed suddenly, shaking my arm and nearly making me bite my   
tongue instead of my food.  
  
"Christ Quat lay off!" I protested and jerked my hand away. "What is it?" I demanded after I   
swallowed without choking.   
  
Quatre leaned forward and whispered very excitedly in my ear. "Heero is staring at you!! He has   
been for the past few minutes! I knew he wanted to be friends! He's probably just nervous about   
talking to you, because Relena would poke fun."   
  
I looked over and Heero was indeed staring at me. I snorted and flipped him the bird. His   
Prussian blue eyes narrowed and he frowned at me.   
  
"Duo! How could you do that?!" Quatre cried, he looked positively horrified.   
  
I laughed and finished with my lunch. "Oh chill out Quatre. The only time I need him staring at   
me is if he is about to fuck me and I doubt that......."  
  
Shit.  
  
I looked up very slowly and saw that Quatre was staring at me with wide eyes. "Y..You're gay..?"   
His words came out hushed.   
  
"I.. Quat.." There was really no point in me lying. "Yea man, I'm gay."  
  
"Why didn't you *tell* me? We.. we oh god how could you *not* tell me?" He looked ill. Disgusted.   
Angry.   
  
"What does it matter Quatre? I'm still the same person." I snapped at him, insulted.   
  
"It matters a lot! If I knew you were gay I wouldn't have been so close to you over the years!   
How could you do this to me?" He said harshly.   
  
My mouth dropped open. "What the hell are you talking about? How could you act like this? You're   
supposed to be my best friend!"   
  
"Yes and your supposed to like girls! God is that the reason why you are always sleeping over my   
house? Oh god that is so disgusting."   
  
I feel sick. People are staring now, they can hear him. They are all looking at me. I'm screwed..   
screwed.. so fucking screwed. Can he talk any fucking louder? Why does this happen to me? I   
always get so fucking screwed.  
  
"What will people think! What if they think I'm gay too? What will Relena think??" Quatre went   
on frantically. I don't even know if he was talking to me or himself anymore.   
  
Tears filled my eyes but I blinked them away rapidly. "Could you please lower your fucking voice?"   
I rasped out angrily.  
  
"You are so selfish Duo Maxwell! I can't believe I considered you a friend." The angry blond   
sneered at me.  
  
"FUCK YOU!" I shouted at him angrily. "Like you have a fucking right to call me selfish!! You're   
the fucking little *girl* who cried for weeks because you don't live in that big palace up the   
hill anymore!" I was mad and I didn't care who heard me. I was abused all the time. By my parents,  
by my peers, and now by my best friend. It was too much.   
  
"And you did your best to console me right? Probably got turned on by it you disgusting queer!"   
He screamed it so loud everyone turned to look at me. A flicker of guilt flashed in his eyes   
when he finally focused on my tear streaked face, but he soon replaced it with a defiant look   
and he sneered.   
  
"Fuck you Quatre." I whispered and stormed out of the cafeteria.   
  
  
***  
  
Cuz I'm losing my sight   
Losing my mind   
Wish somebody would tell me   
I'm fine Losing my sight   
Losing my mind   
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine   
  
  
My retreat for bad times during school was the roof. Seeing as though I am Mister Unpopularity   
and just about everyone has something against me in this bloody school, something bad is always   
bound to happen to me. I usually didn't mind so much because like I already said, I was used to   
staying to myself. But this time was different, this time it was Quatre who had stomped all over  
my heart. Damnit I had trusted Quatre and I never trust anyone! I had put my little bit of faith   
in him and trusted him to be my friend through whatever happened. I always had the feeling that   
he might betray me but I always hoped to God it wouldn't happen. I guess now I know that he had   
never really been my friend.   
  
Anyway so now I'm on the roof and I plan to stay here until 4 o'clock when everyone is out of   
here. I know well enough that homosexuality in this small town is like begging to be lynched.   
All of the small-minded assholes are going to make my life hell from now on. It was pretty much   
a given. The roof is normally locked, but I happen to be a expert lock pick. I come up here a lot.  
. sit on the ledge.. smoke.. chill, whatever. It's a good place to go when I want to be alone.   
At least no one knew I came up here.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
Oh fuck. There goes that idea.  
  
I looked over my shoulder and rolled my eyes. "What do you *want* Yuy? Come to make fun of the   
gay guy?" I asked bitterly, taking a long drag of my cig. I heard him taking slow cautious steps   
behind me and I nearly snorted at his next statement.   
  
"You're not going to jump are you?" Heero asked sounding oddly alarmed.   
  
"Oh yea that's my plan. I'll jump off the roof and hopefully land on your car.. fucking it up big   
time like that chick in Carrie 2.(2) That way it will be two birds with one stone. Kill myself   
and piss you off."   
  
He was silent and I felt a comforting hand rest on my shoulder. "Don't kill yourself Duo, it will   
be ok."  
  
I couldn't help it.. I started snickering wildly. I mean the guy sounded like a robot. I wonder   
if he had taken some kind of class where they told him that that was the right thing to say in   
this situation. The idea was so ridiculous that I started laughing harder.  
  
"Are you hysterical or something?"   
  
Once I was finished laughing I looked back and gave him a long incredulous look. "If I was   
hysterical do you think I would really answer that question?"   
  
When he stared at me blankly I rolled my eyes. "How did you get up here anyway?" Stupid question   
I automatically scolded myself. I had left the lock unlocked.   
  
"The door wasn't locked." Heero responded, still peering at me queerly. He seemed be wondering   
if I was really going to jump or not.  
  
"Oh for God's sake, I'm not going to kill myself. And do you really expect me to believe that   
you just happened to be coming up here at the exact same time as me? How stupid do you think I   
am?"  
  
He shrugged and sat next to me on the ledge. "No. I followed you."  
  
I looked at him sharply, my eyes narrowed. "Why? What do you want?"  
  
"Well.. I uh wanted to see if you were ok. You looked pretty upset back there." Heero said with   
a shrug.   
  
"Yea well one might be upset if one's 'best friend' starts screaming faggot in a room full of   
people who already hate them." I lit another cigarette and put the box on the ledge beside me.   
He reached for one and I raised an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't smoke."  
  
He shrugged and lit it with a lighter that he dug out of his coat. "I never said that. I just   
said they were bad for you."  
  
"Ah I see. And why is it that you are suddenly so concerned about my well being?"  
  
The dark haired boy shrugged. "I just don't see why people always have to pick on you. You didn't   
do anything to anybody. How did that start anyway? Since I've moved here all I heard about you   
is that you are a criminal and a loser."  
  
"How do you know it isn't true?" I snapped.  
  
Heero snorted. "I don't, but I don't see why I should believe a bunch of gossip either."  
  
I looked at him from the corner of my eye. "Well if you must know, it started back in 9th grade.   
Your precious little Relena had a huge thing for me. She used to fucking follow me around for   
God's sake. Anywayz she was always telling everyone that me and her were going out and I got   
really mad about it. So one day I told her off in front of everyone and she got really   
embarrassed." I murmured, smiling faintly at the memory of the little princess's horrified face.  
  
"And?" He prompted me, also seeming to be amused by that idea.  
  
"And.. To get back at me she told everyone that me and her had actually been going out and I had   
tried to rape her. Also that I beat her up and that I am some big time drug addict. Since she is   
Relena Peacecraft who is loved by all, they all believed her and wrote me off." I finished bitterly.   
It still made me angry and that had been two years ago.  
  
"What about your friend?" Heero asked quietly.  
  
I snorted. "I believe you heard what that was all about Yuy. Turns out Quatre is a homophobe and   
I disgust him. But you know what I'm not surprised. Everyone else turned against me over the   
years and it was only time before he did too."  
  
We sat in silence for awhile and I started to wonder about Heero Yuy. Maybe he wasn't so bad   
after all.. now that I was having an actual conversation with him it became more and more   
obvious that he wasn't at all like Relena. I stole another glance at him and I saw that he had   
been staring at me also. And damn he was fine as hell.  
  
"I know how that is." He said finally, flicking his cigarette butt off the roof.  
  
I raised an eyebrow at the aloof teen and snorted. "How could you possibly understand?"  
  
Heero turned and smirked. It was a rather sexy smirk. "Because I'm gay too."  
  
My mouth dropped open and I opened and closed it a few times, no sound came out. He stared at me   
with an amused expression. "Is it that surprising?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes. "You're a liar.   
You're not gay.. You're just fucking with my head."  
  
He smirked and leaned closer until our noses were only inches apart. My eyes widened and he   
pressed his lips firmly to mine. I automatically melted against him, my lips parting for his   
invading tongue. We kissed for what seemed like eternity but I knew it had only been about a   
minute. When he finally pulled back, he drew my lower lip between his teeth and nibbled on it.   
"Believe me now?" He asked huskily, one hand dropping to my lap to squeeze my already hardened   
cock.   
  
I nodded weakly; breath coming out in short little puffs as he continued to kneed my arousal.   
  
"Can you meet me later?" He breathed in my ear. I managed another nod and practically whined in   
displeasure when he pulled his hand away. "Good.. meet me at Oz Memorial Park at 9 tonight." I   
nodded yet again, still not capable of forming words. He gazed at me for a moment and smiled.. a   
actual smile this time.. not just a smirk. "You are too beautiful for your own good Duo Maxwell."   
He murmured, then disappeared down the stairs.  
  
  
***  
  
I never realized I was spread too thin   
Till it was too late   
And I was empty within   
Hungry!  
Feeding on chaos   
And living in sin   
Downward spiral where do I begin?   
  
  
  
Now the thing about people is that when you get right down to it you figure out that they really   
fucking suck. I mean I don't believe all of that BS about how everyone is good and there is no   
such thing as a bad boy which I think is a quote from some very old Mickey Rooney movie but   
that's not really the point. The point is that people suck and most people are bad. Friends suck.   
Parents suck. Everybody fucking sucks. And you know who sucks the most? Hypocrites. Those people   
who bitch and moan about how they would never do this and they would never do that and they would   
always be your friend through thick and thin; then they just dump you. Yes everyone I am talking   
about Quatre Winner. I knew that little bitch for so many years and he told me to get lost just   
because he found out that I get a hard on from looking at other guys. I mean what the fuck does   
he care? I'm not looking at his bony ass.. so what's the problem? Well you know what? Fuck him   
too.. I'm not going to dwell on it because people come and go all the fucking time. He's just   
another face in the crowd, another wannabe "cool" kid, another   
fucking loser. So I'll write him off just as fast as he wrote me off. Ok I guess you're all   
wondering what the hell I'm babbling about now, and truth be told I didn't start this rant   
because I was still pissed about Q-Man. I started this because of Heero Yuy and somewhere along   
the line I went off on a tangent. Which I am doing now. Ok yea anyway Heero confuses me. He   
ignored me since I first met him, he snickered when his friends laughed at me, I thought he was   
just another jock strap.. but now it's like.. Different. Now I think I'm like in love with the   
fucker. I mean how twisted is that? I hate him one minute.. Can't stand him or any of his kind..   
And then the next minute I'm all hearts and candy about him cuz he gave me a hand job. How fucked   
up is that? How fucked up am I? So yea even though I'm all hot for him now.. When it comes down   
to it he's still just another person and he still fucking sucks. He didn't talk to me until he   
found out I was a queer like him, because now he thinks he'll get a piece of  
my ass. And you know the worst part? I don't care. I wanted him anyway and I know what he really   
wants. That pretty much shows that I suck too.   
  
  
***  
  
It all started when I lost my mother   
No love for myself   
And no love for another.   
Searching to find a love up on a higher level   
Finding nothing but questions and devils   
  
  
I was at the park a little after nine, didn't want to seem to eager even though I had been   
thinking about our little rendezvous all day. So I strolled into the park casually, my hands   
thrust into the pockets of my hunter green army style pants and a cigarette dangling from between   
my lips. When I saw him leaning against the side of his car, still clad in his gym shorts and   
green tank top I tried not to drool. Damn this guy was so fucking perfect.. and he was hot for me.   
Me? Skinny little loser me. heh. Wonders never cease.  
  
"Why do you always keep that over your face?" He asked, trying to push the black hood off my   
head. I batted his hands away and shrugged. "Dunno.. habit I guess."  
  
Heero eyed me for a moment, that infuriating little smirk creeping up on his lips. "So what do   
you want to do?"   
  
I shrugged carelessly, trying to make it seem as though I didn't give a damn either. In reality   
all I wanted him to do was throw me into his car and jam that gorgeous cock up my ass. Hey what   
do you want from me? I'm a teenager guy and I'm very horny. Sue me.   
  
"We could take a walk if you want." He suggested with an almost shy smile.  
  
I rolled my eyes and started walking. I pointedly ignored the way his eyes darted around, making   
sure no one was nearby when he grabbed my hand and started walking beside me. It wasn't as if   
anyone would be watching anyway. Rarely anyone ever came to Oz Memorial because the losers   
thought it was haunted by the 'wandering spirits of dead soldiers.' "Paranoid much?" I asked   
disgustedly.   
  
Heero looked at me and frowned. "You can say that. If word ever got out that I'm.. I'm.. "  
  
"A queer?" I finished dryly.   
  
He swallowed and shrugged a little. "Yea.. that.. Anyway if anyone finds out I'm screwed."  
  
"Oh yes, the great Heero Yuy will be shunned by all. The girls will no longer fawn over you, the   
guys will no longer worship you. You'll be an outcast.. Or worse yet.. " I paused for dramatic   
effect and smirked evilly. "They'll treat you how they treat me."  
  
He stopped walking abruptly and pinned me against a nearby tree. "Look Duo, you can't tell   
anyone. If you do.. " He let the sentence trail off and his eyes narrowed in what he thought was   
an intimidating glare. Well.. ok it *was* an intimidating glare but I wasn't going to let him   
know that.  
  
"Yea yea whatever man. Your little queer secret is safe with me." I said with a snort.  
  
He eased up on the pressure he had put on my arms, but he still stood very close invading my   
personal space rather rudely I might add. "Don't you care that people know?" He asked warily.  
  
I shrugged again. "I tried to keep it on the hush hush but Q-Man blew up my spot. There's no   
point in me crying over it now. Everyone hated me before anyway so it's not like I'm losing any   
friends."  
  
Heero leaned back and gazed at me for a moment. "You're a weird kid Duo Maxwell. It's like..   
nothing bothers you."  
  
I snorted again and looked away. "You might be surprised." I muttered.   
  
We stood there silently for a few moments. Me looking off at some tree and him staring at me with   
those blue eyes that were doing the weird sparkly thing that you only usually saw in anime.   
After another minute or so he leaned forward and buried his nose in my hair, inhaling deeply. He   
made a contended sound deep in his throat and stroked my cheek. I shivered deliciously; knowing   
it wasn't from the cold. It was weird how this was making me feel. Being in his arms. I felt   
protected and warm and even loved. It was all very tender and even a little romantic and I didn't   
like it at all. I kept telling myself that I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust anyone. But   
the more I told myself that, the gentler he became, kissing me softly, and murmuring about how   
beautiful I am. My heart was beating to fast and I felt like I was going to melt into him. I   
yanked away abruptly and looked away from his confuse gaze.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
I frowned. "Look let's cut the bullshit. I know what you want so let's just do it already."  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow. "What is it that you think I want?"  
  
"To fuck." I said bluntly, digging around in my pocket for another cigarette.   
  
He seemed to be at a loss for words for a moment. "I.. That's not all I want from you."  
  
"Oh really." I raised a skeptical brow and snorted. "What do you want my *love*?" I spat out the   
word as if it were poison.   
  
"Maybe." He said simply.   
  
It was amazing. One little word and all those ice barriers came crashing down around me. My   
chest suddenly felt painfully tight and I felt tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I   
don't know what it was.. Why I was getting so emotional.. No one had ever loved me before.. maybe..   
just maybe.. he could..  
  
I leaned up and kissed him hungrily, pinning him to the tree. We kissed for awhile, a battle of   
dueling tongues. One trying to take control of the kiss but the other always gaining the upper   
hand. Before I knew it I was sporting a hard on and grinding it against his eager little hips.   
Pretty soon we were tearing each other's clothes off and before I knew it we were sprawled on   
the damp grass, and I was riding his thick cock. We were crying out so loud I'm surprised the   
cars on the highway didn't hear. But God I didn't care. It felt so good, and he was hitting   
something deep inside me that made me sob and beg for more. When he came deep inside me he   
screamed my name. When he collapsed on top of each other in a tangle of arms and legs he mumbled   
sweet things in my ear, promises and my more cynical self would have seen as lies. But right now   
I wasn't in my cynical mode. I felt loved, I felt special and I wanted to stay that way. I threw   
all rational thinking to the wind. Desperation for warmth and affection will be my undoing.  
  
***  
  
Cuz I'm losing my sight   
Losing my mind   
Wish somebody would tell me in fine   
Losing my sight   
Losing my mind   
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine   
  
  
When you think about it, sex is no big deal. I mean yea a lot of chicks act like sex is the   
thing that can forever bind them with their man, or they think it has to be all about love and   
specialness with the whole rose petal scattered candle lit scene or whatever. That is just plain   
STUPID. Sex is sex where ever and how ever you do it. And it has NOTHING to do with love. Well I   
guess sometimes it does... but it doesn't have to be. Most guys take advantage of the whole love   
thing that girls seem so fond of. They woo the chick and whisper sweet nothings and might even   
spout the occasional 'heartfelt' declaration of love. But when it comes right down to it they   
just want some ass. Men are not to be trusted. People are not to be trusted. You can only trust   
yourself and even then yourself might to something foolish. Trust no one. I need to learn how to   
follow my own advice. You see I'm one of those people who become all loving and trusting after   
sex.   
  
After me and Heero did it that time in the park (really romantic eh?) I was all over him. Every   
time I came to him willingly and eagerly he had this knowing cocky smirk on his face. One part   
of me wanted to smack it off of his smug face. The other side didn't give a hot damn. Guess   
which side won? -_-  
  
We would meet late at night in the park or in the boathouse at the pond. Then we would 'make   
love' for hours before he sent me on my merry way. I guess it doesn't bother me that he would   
screw me into the floorboards, then completely ignore me the next day. He had to keep up   
appearances right? Can't be seen with Loser Maxwell right? Nope. Can't do that. Nope nope nope.   
Doesn't bother me at all.  
  
It didn't even bother me when I found out that Quatre was the newest part of the ever so special   
beautiful people click. I always knew that one-day he would manage to squeeze himself into it.   
It didn't even bother me and he and Relena made fun of me for 45 minutes in Math. It didn't even   
bother me that now my so-called best friend was making queer jokes with his new pals aimed at me   
while Heero laughed. Nope. Didn't bother me at all.   
  
Nothing fucking bothers me.   
  
And if did bother me, I have my therapy at home in my third drawer. The only thing I could count   
on. My blade.   
  
Nothing's alright   
Nothing is fine   
I'm running and I'm crying   
I'm crying   
I'm crying   
I'm crying   
I'm crying   
  
  
  
  
***  
  
After three months our secret trysts were the only thing that made me happy. At home was the   
same fighting, screaming and the occasional random beating courtesy of father dearest. At school   
I wasn't the center of everyone's ridicule anymore.. They seemed to have grown bored with messing   
with me and me not breaking down in fruit cake tears like they expected me to. All I got was the   
occasional insult, and the usual dirty looks from my teachers. Even though Heero never so much   
as spared me a glance in school I didn't mind so much. As long as I could see him later and for   
those few hours that I spend in his arms, I can feel special. I was happy for the first time in   
a long time.   
  
  
***  
  
Cut my life into pieces   
This is my last resort   
Suffocation   
No breathing   
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding!   
  
  
I was at the usual place in Oz Memorial, waiting for Heero to come. It had been a couple of days   
since I had seen him and I was looking forward to it. I smiled fondly as memories of our last   
encounter came flooding back to me. We had been in the boathouse and as soon as I saw him I had   
jumped him. Kissing him all over without giving him a chance to speak, ripping his clothes off   
violently and thrusting into his smooth willing body.. Not even stopping to lube myself. At   
first he had cried out in pain but after awhile I knew those cries were from pleasure. I could   
tell by looking into his wide lust filled eyes. However our pleasure had been put to an abrupt   
end because of suspicious noises outside. I had immediately pulled out and thrown on my clothes,   
running out the back door; only giving him one last lingering glance. I hadn't seen him since   
and I was kind of worried. But I knew Heero could take care of himself. He had to.   
  
"Maxwell!"  
  
That deep furious sounding voice jerked me out of my thoughts and I spun around quickly. Wufei,   
Trowa, and Quatre stood there. I noticed that they were surrounding me and I shifted uneasily.   
"What do you want?" I demanded. For some reason the hair on the back of my neck was standing up.   
Something bad was going to happen, I knew it. I had the sudden urge to run, but I didn't.  
  
"We know what you did, you disgusting little bitch." Wufei hissed; his dark eyes were narrowed   
and he was clenching his hands into fists.   
  
"What are you talking about Chang? I didn't do anything to you!" I protested, backing away as   
they began to move closer to me.  
  
"Not to me! To Heero!" The Chinese boy cried. "You're the lowest kind of filth. Dishonorable cur."   
He snarled.   
  
My brow furrowed in confusion and I looked from one outraged face to the next. "I didn't do   
anything to him! What the hell is going on!"  
  
Quatre shoved me hard and I stumbled, losing my balance. "Don't deny it Duo! I can't believe you   
I was ever friends with someone like you! You probably would have done the same thing to me if   
you had the chance."  
  
I shook my head rapidly, confusion written plain on my face. "Whatever you think I did... I   
didn't do it! Ask Heero for God's sake!" I shouted angrily.  
  
"We saw you at the boathouse the other day." Trowa put in. Although his voice was calm, the   
contempt in his eyes was enough to make me sick.  
  
My eyes widened, and my mouth dropped open. "You.. saw.. us.. ? Oh my god." I whispered, closing   
my eyes.   
  
"Yes! We saw you raping him!"  
  
  
Would it be wrong?   
Would it be right?   
If I took my life tonight   
Chances are that I might   
Mutilation outta sight   
And I'm contemplating suicide   
  
  
I reeled back as if I had been smacked and stared at them incredulously. "What the fuck are you   
talking about?" I snarled angrily, trying to get to my feet but just falling back down when Trowa   
kicked me in the ribs.   
  
"We saw you rip his clothes off, and we heard him screaming in pain. Then you ran like the   
coward you are." Wufei hissed.  
  
"Are you insane?? Do you think I could ever fucking rape him? He could kill me if he wanted!" I   
yelled angrily.   
  
"He had an injury from basketball practice. *You* took advantage of that Maxwell. And now you   
will suffer."   
  
The next thing I knew, someone's foot was kicking me square in the face. My mouth filled with   
blood and I started coughing it up violently. "I swear to God I didn't do anything." I sobbed.   
"Just ask Heero, he'll tell you.."  
  
"I already told them."   
  
I looked up rapidly, staring at Heero with large confused eyes. He was staring at me coldly, his   
lip lifted in a sneer. "I told them what you did to me." He said flatly.   
  
After hearing those words.. It's like I was dead inside. I was betrayed once again, this time by   
someone who really mattered to me. Someone who I really thought cared about me. I didn't care   
anymore; I didn't even care what they did to me. I had had enough. I stared silently, not even   
bothering to deny the horrible accusations. Tears slid town my cheeks and I didn't bother wiping   
them away. I just gazed at him blankly with a sad little smile. "I never thought you would do it   
too Heero." I whispered softly.  
  
  
Cuz I'm losing my sight   
Losing my mind   
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine   
  
  
His eyes widened and he looked away quickly. I could have sworn tears were welling in those   
Prussian depths.  
  
Then I started laughing. Loud maniacal laughing. I guess I really was hysterical this time. I   
didn't even stop when the next punch was thrown. I kept right on laughing as Quatre kicked me   
in the face repeatedly, teeth loosening.. Falling out, nose crunching and bending in an   
impossible angle. I barely even felt it when Trowa began pounding his fist into my gut, Wufei's   
foot connecting to my chest. They were all around me, pouncing on me like wild animals tearing   
apart their prey. Kicking and punching me savagely, cursing and screaming as they did it. Then   
when they finally stopped, someone jerked me up by the braid holding me still as Heero moved in   
front of me. His eyes flicked over my bloody brutalized body, but whatever was in his eyes I   
couldn't read. I could barely see anyway.. one of my eyes was already swollen shut. I was hanging   
there limply, by my braid.. I'm sure by now my face was a mass of bruises, cuts and disfigured   
flesh. He continued to stare at me solemnly, even as the others urged him to finish me off. I   
could see the tears threatening to spill from his eyes and it made me sick. I   
hadn't cried through the whole beating. I didn't care anymore and I couldn't stand to see the   
pity and self-loathing in his eyes.  
  
  
Losing my sight   
Losing my mind   
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine   
  
  
"Just fucking kill me you dumb shit." I spat hatefully, making sure blood sprayed across his face.  
  
Then.. He just snapped. Pounding me with all his strength, screaming and crying all the while. I   
couldn't make out what he was saying. His words were hysterical and jumbled from wrenching sobs.   
When he was done and I was thoroughly pulverized to a bloody pulp, they all stood over me. Gazing   
at their handy work. They all looked sick. They probably thought I was dead.  
  
Nearby voices caused them to freeze like deer caught in the headlights. "Let's get out of here!"   
Quatre hissed and he, Trowa and Wufei darted away.  
  
Heero stood over me after they had gone, tears still coursing down his flushed face. The Japanese   
boy knelt beside me, reaching out to touch me. "I'm so sorry." He whispered miserably. "I.. they   
saw.. and I.. I couldn't tell the truth... oh God I'm so sorry." He sobbed. "I never meant for..   
I never wanted you to.. I.. love you so much and.. please.. just.. I.." He broke down and began   
to wail in anguish. His sobs were so heart wrenching that they might have stirred some emotion   
in me. But even though my body wasn't dead. My heart was. So I lay there and played dead until   
he finally got to his feet and ran.   
  
  
Nothing's alright   
Nothing is fine   
I'm running and I'm crying   
  
  
After he was gone, I opened my eyes. It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe. It hurt to be alive and   
I cursed them for not finishing me off. I got to my feet somehow, stumbling and tripping until I   
was out of the park. I made my way slowly towards my house, ignoring the horrified looks people   
aimed at me. Ignoring the calls of concern, demanding if I was ok. Somehow I made it home.. And   
I ignored the way my mother screamed when she saw me. She ran out of the room, probably to call   
an ambulance.  
I had to move fast.  
  
I crawled up the stairs; my blood soaked braid dragging behind me. I locked my self in my room,   
weakly shoving various things in front of the door. Then... I collapsed in the bathroom, catching   
a glimpse of my disfigured face in the mirror and for some reason not being affected by it.   
  
So here I am now. Naked, sprawled in the tub as freezing cold water pours down on my battered   
body. I'm sure there is blood everywhere by now.. And I feel everything starting to get hazy. It   
must be a pretty gruesome scene but I was far from caring.   
  
  
I can't go on living this way   
  
  
My beautiful blade, my savior.. and the only thing I can count on is poised in my hand, just over   
my vein. Without hesitation I dig in deep and slice open the vein, quickly repeating the action   
on my other arm.   
  
I smiled as the blade dropped to the floor and closed my eyes. It's over.  
  
  
Can't go on   
  
  
No more pain.. no more betrayal.  
  
Just quiet.. no people...   
  
  
Living this way   
  
  
Like someone once said..  
  
True peace is only achieved through death..  
  
Then my vision began to gray out..  
  
And everything went black.  
  
Nothing's alright   
  
  
  
  
~ Owari  
  
  
________  
  
Author's notes -_- Yes I know. It was very depressing and just... horribly angsty. But I felt   
like writing some angst because I was very depressed. *sigh*   
  
1 - Got the phrase "Asshole tax" from Marla Singer in Fight Club. I 3 that movie.  
  
2 - Does anyone get this reference? In The Rage: Carrie 2, the girl jumped off the roof of her   
high school and landed on someone's car.   
  
  
  
  



End file.
